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    生存法则

    时间:2018-09-17 15:58来源:故事会 作者: 晓芸

        生存法则
        酒吧里,一位探险家喝得醉醺醺的,正在向人吹嘘自己的经历:"那次出海遇到了海难,我和几个船员上了救生艇,在海上漂了几个星期,真是饿得死去活来!"旁边有位听众紧张起来,惊问道:"那怎么办?"探险家抿了一口酒,不紧不慢地接着说:"最后我们不得不啃自己的鞋底来充饥。等到有人来救我们的时候,其他人都死了,只有我一个人活了下来。"
        那位听众佩服道:"你的生存能力真强啊!"
        探险家哈哈一笑,说:"不,是我的鞋尺码最大。"(晓芸)
        分心
        妻子是个马虎的人,干什么事都会分心。
        一天,她主动要帮丈夫理发。丈夫很犹豫,担心妻子理发时会分心,把自己的头发剪坏。妻子安慰道:"不要担心,我会认真帮你理发的。"
        于是,丈夫便拿起一本杂志,边看边让妻子理发。
        丈夫看完一页,刚想翻过去,突然听见妻子在背后说:"别翻,这页我还没看完呢!"(庄鸿儒)
        真会哭穷
        大刚和小陆是邻居。这天,大刚对小陆抱怨说"你老爸这个人真会哭穷!"
        小陆很奇怪,问:"你为什么这么说啊?"大刚说道:"上次我去你家,进门时,恰好踩灭了地上的一支香烟,你老爸就喊:哎哟,谁把取暖器给关了?"(甲壳虫荐)
        剧场测试
        神病院的医生认为有一名患者可能已经痊愈。为了进行测试,医生们带着那名患者来到了医院里的小剧场。
        小剧场的椅子刚刚刷过漆,上面贴着"注意油漆"的字样。
        医生们装作没看见,纷纷若无其事地坐下。而那名患者却铺了层报纸才坐下。
        医生们非常高兴,看来患者已经痊愈了,于是上前问道:"你为什么要铺报纸呢?"
        "难道你不懂吗?"患者说,"垫高一些可以看得更清楚呀!"(青萍荐)
        如此保养
        有个人很缺德,经常吃完午饭后,不洗手就去逛服装店,佯装挑衣服,把手上沾的油渍蹭干净。
        一次,他又趁午休时间去逛服装店,蹭手过程中突然眼前一亮,发现有件皮夹克质地柔软细腻,光泽也非常好,于是毫不犹豫掏钱买了下来。欣喜之余,他询问店员:"你们这件皮夹克是如何保养的?"
        店员微笑着回答:"不用特意保养,我们只是在每天中午您来之前把它挂出来。"(青萍荐)
        辅导工作
        麦蒂找份小学辅导员,的工作。一天,她看到一个小女孩独自站在操场一头,别的小朋友则在另一头起劲地踢着足球。
        麦蒂走到小女孩跟前,问她还好吗。小女孩点点头。
        过了一会儿,麦蒂看到小女孩还是一个人站在原地,便又走过去问道:"你愿意和我做朋友吗?"
        小女孩犹豫了一下,疑惑地看着麦蒂说:"好啊。"
        麦蒂想安慰一下这个孤单的小女孩,便又继续问道:"你为什么孤零零地站在这儿呢?"
        小女孩不耐烦地说:"因为我是守门员。"(舒一耕荐)
        好记性
        丈夫刚读完一本关于增强记忆力的书,信心大增,便吹嘘自己记忆力如何了得,还要妻子考考他。妻子说:"明天咱们要出门旅行,你能不能记一下要带的东西?"
        "好咧!"丈夫说完便按书里的方法,细心抄了份清单。
        第二天,两人开车上路了。在车上,妻子问:"你能记住咱们要带的东西吗?"
        丈夫一字一句背得滚瓜烂熟,果然一件不少。妻子很高兴地问道:"东西都放哪儿了?"丈夫一听目瞪口呆,懊丧地说:"亲爱的,东西都忘在家里了。"(黄玉)
        梦想成真
        玛丽对好朋友说:"我告诉你一件事,街区公园里那个许愿池真的很灵验啊!"
        朋友好奇地问:"你怎么知道的?"
        玛丽神神秘秘地说:"那天我在那里许愿,希望有几十万块钱出现在我面前……"
        "难道后来真的实现了?"
        玛丽点点头:"对啊,我刚走出公园大门,就看到一辆运钞车从我面前驶过……"(开心荐)
        经济危机
        儿子马上就要过9岁生日了,想买台电脑作为生日礼物。可爸爸不同意,说现在是经济危机,钱得节省着花,要买也只能买辆自行车。
        这天,爸爸回家,发现儿子在看经济频道,打趣道:"你在看什么呢?"
        儿子说:"爸爸,我在看经济危机什么时候能过去。"
        "是吗?经济危机和你有什么关系?"
        儿子委屈地说:"我想看看经济危机能不能在我生日之前结束,我还是想要电脑。"(叶丹)
        律师和上帝
        一个律师死后向上帝申诉,说自己刚刚35岁,不该这么早就死掉。上帝听了他的申诉,马上调来律师的资料,仔细查阅起来,最后抱歉地说:"是呀,你不应该35岁就死掉,可我从你所收取的计时谈话费来计算,你已经108岁了!"(小鱼)
        爸爸在哪儿
        儿子拿着本《中国地图册》问妈妈:"通化在哪里啊?"
        妈妈回答:"在吉林省啊,怎么了?"
        儿子说道:"爸爸到通化去了。"
        妈妈很好奇:"没听他说要出差啊,你怎么知道的?"
        儿子说:"刚才我给他打手机,一位阿姨告诉我‘您拨打的用户正在通化(话)……"(木木)
        搬家
        蜗牛妈妈带着小蜗牛向市区爬去。爬了半天,小蜗牛终于忍不住问道:"妈妈,我们在郊区生活得好好的,为什么要搬到市区啊?还要背着这么重的房子!"
        蜗牛妈妈语重心长地对小蜗牛说:"孩子,这你就不懂了!要知道市区的房子比郊区的房子值钱啊!"(风的足迹)
        特殊礼物
        小赵去西安旅游。临行前同事老张对他说:"能不能给我带一份西安有、北京少有的特殊礼物?"小赵答应了。
        过了两天,小赵从西安旅游归来。他拿出一个包装得非常精致的小盒子,一边递给老张,一边说:"张哥,这礼物是西安出的,我在北京还从没见过哩。"
        老张听了心里高兴,急忙打开包装,见盒里整整齐齐地放着一份《西安日报》。(小叶)

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