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  • [故事大全] [手机访问]
    当前位置: 首页 > 笑话段子 > 

    笑话12则

    时间:2018-09-17 10:54来源:故事会 作者: 佚名

        新时代猫狗
        朱先生在院里养了一条狗和一只猫,那条狗从不看门,却喜欢抓老鼠,而那只猫从不抓老鼠,却在有陌生人来的时候叫个不停。
        一天,一只麻雀路过此地,发现那猫狗的异常举动后,就问:"你们为什么这么做?不觉得很奇怪吗?"
        狗和猫异口同声地回答:"你可真土,不知道现在流行跳槽吗?"(朱帅)
        真疼
        周日,丽丽在老公的陪同下去美容院打了耳洞。
        回到家,妈妈问丽丽:"打耳洞疼不疼啊?"
        还没等丽丽回答,老公伸出红肿的右手对丈母娘喊道:"您看看我被她掐肿的手背就知道了。"
        丽丽心疼地问老公:"掐疼了吧?我帮你敷药。"
        老公叹了口气,说:"这算啥,等你站到柜台前挑钻石耳钉时,我才是真疼呢。"(梁斌)
        减肥与增肥
        一个胖子和一个瘦子在酒吧互相抱怨,胖子说自己太胖要减肥,瘦子嫌自己太瘦要增肥。老板就给他们支了个招,让胖子每天打沙包一小时,坚持下来就可以瘦了。瘦子就提问,自己要怎么练才能胖。老板想了想,说:"你就去当那个沙包吧。"
        (蓝献伟)
        养什么
        老公想养小动物,但遭到妻子的反对。那天妻子在办公室说起此事,同事建议她养花。妻子一想,养花不错,能净化空气、美化环境。最好养的植物要数仙人球了,于是她向同事要了盆仙人球,装在小纸箱里,拎着坐车回家了。
        到家后,妻子把纸箱递给老公,说:"你不是总想养这养那的吗?这个给你养着,小心啊,有刺!"
        老公一脸惊喜地叫道:"老婆,真是太酷了,你给我要了只刺猬呀!"(梁斌)
        吵架
        一对夫妻闹不合,怕影响孩子,于是跑到厨房里偷偷地吵架。
        在客厅里做作业的孩子还是听到了动静,他跑过去一看,懵了:"你们一个拿勺,一个拿擀面杖,这是干啥啊?"
        父亲放下"武器",说:"没什么,我们排个节目……"
        儿子好奇地问:"排节目怎么没台词呢?"
        母亲连忙接腔:"儿子你不懂,这叫哑剧。"
        (何其谷)
        充分利用
        餐厅里,一位客人坐在桌前,等着上菜,等了很久,菜都没有来,他就问服务员:"我点的鱼子酱怎么还没上来?"
        服务员开玩笑地说:"对不起,您要的鱼子酱还在鱼妈妈肚子里呢。"
        客人听了却生气了,说:"那什么时候才能生出来?"
        服务员指了指旁边的桌子,说:"快了,快了。"客人回头一看,只见旁边桌的一位男士手拿刀叉,正向餐盘里的鱼肚子伸去。
        服务员接着说:"这位客人是医生,这不正给鱼妈妈做剖腹产嘛!"
        (朱帅)
        不想挑刺
        大力带儿子到同事小赵家玩,中午小赵要留大力父子俩吃饭,说:"我今天给你们做个我家的特色菜—凉拌仙人掌。"
        不料,大力的儿子拉住爸爸的衣袖,说:"我不要吃,我最不喜欢吃鱼!"
        大力笑着回答:"傻孩子,这仙人掌是植物,不是鱼。"
        儿子一脸认真地说:"可吃它们都需要挑刺呀!"
        (梁斌)
        不会飞的是什么
        一天,丁丁一家去全聚德吃烤鸭。上菜后,丁丁对父亲说:"您是飞行员,我出个关于飞行的题,您要是答不上,只准喝酒,不准吃菜。"
        父亲说:"好哇,谁还能考倒你爸!"
        丁丁问:"蝴蝶为什么能飞?"父亲说:"它有翅膀。"
        "鸽子为什么能飞?""有翅膀。"
        "飞机为什么能飞?""有翅膀。"
        "有了翅膀可是不能飞的是什么?"父亲哑了,连喝了三杯酒后,说:"儿子,现在可以告诉我了吧?"
        丁丁用筷子敲着菜盆,说:"就是这—烤鸭!"
        (何其谷)
        我来此办事
        有一个人到省里去办事,到了目的地发现没有停车位,只好把车停在马路边。他在汽车的挡风玻璃上留了一张纸条,上面写着:"我来此办事。"
        那个人办完事,回到自己的汽车边,发现挡风玻璃上多了一张红罚单,而且自己的纸条上又多了一行字:"我也是。"
        (柯琦)
        赶 紧 走
        周二,大华去接儿子放学。下课铃一响,儿子就从教室里飞奔出来。
        大华看了一愣,问:"今天怎么这么快?老师上课就把作业留好了?"
        儿子气喘吁吁地说:"别问了,赶快走!"
        大华一脸茫然,又问:"你这么慌张干什么,出什么事了?"
        儿子一边拉着大华往外走,一边小声地说:"没有,快走吧。今天老师忘留作业了,等他想起来就晚了。"
        (梁斌)
        内部消息
        单位举行篮球比赛,比赛的部门是行政处对计划处。小刚在行政处,他的女朋友却在计划处,比赛前,小刚很为难,他琢磨着自己到底该为哪边加油才对。
        比赛开始了,只听小刚高喊道:"行政计划处加油!"小刚暗自得意,为自己的聪明而自豪。
        比赛结束后,小刚接了个电话,是他的师傅打来的。师傅问小刚:"刚才我听说公司准备把咱们行政处和计划处合并,成立行政计划处。大家都说是你说的,你能不能给师傅透露点内部消息?"(梁斌)
        借你女儿一用
        一位母亲带着她六岁的女儿在服装店里挑选衣服,小姑娘耐心地看着她妈妈一件又一件地试穿衣服,每试完一件,小姑娘都会惊叫:"妈妈,你真好看!"
        这时,一位肥胖的女士从隔壁试衣间走了出来,她对孩子的母亲说道:"我能不能借你的女儿一用?"
        (庄伟斌)

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